Ok, dear readers, I am back from a weekend at Kripalu that was filled with both contentment and disappointment. I went to a workshop that was much less than I had hoped, but managed to find kernels of ultimate wisdom in the chocolate and conversations that it engendered.
For the third time in less than a year I signed up for a workshop after hearing wonderful things about the teacher. Truth is, as a yoga teacher myself I am constantly looking for new things to learn and new teachers from whom to learn. I can do my own practice, go to favorite classes and learn from my friends, but I am still on a hunt for a style and teacher that really grooves with what I want for the long-term. These workshops are my way of travelling down a road to see if the proverbial inn at the end is a place I want to rest for a bit and learn.
So far they are not.
After taking all my disappointment from this weekend’s workshop (and the two prior that were similarly unsatisfying last year) and tossing it in the trash with my dark chocolate wrapper, I realized there was a lesson in this mess. My amazing friend Christine and I chose to skidaddle out of the workshop, for good. Rather than learning from the teacher in front of us, we decided on this weekend we were going to be our own best teachers. Instead of spending more hours wondering what we were doing in the workshop we went and chilled in our room, had a terrific dinner in town and ended the weekend with an amazing yin class by a totally different teacher than the one with whom we came to study.
My quest to find a teacher and a training that fits me keeps ending up thwarted and empty. I have found so many teachers disappointing and yet much of this feeling has come from what I possibly had built them up to be. Because others had loved their teaching, I assumed that I would as well. This weekend reminded me that the only person whose judgement about my path I can trust is myself.
Once I got over my regret for having listened to so many people suggest I study with so-and-so and wondering how it was I could not get what they saw, I came to a revelation. This teacher had given me a gift: I knew what I did not want in a teacher, or a lineage or a training. I was reminded what I would never in a class, what things I wanted to avoid and what I loved. I saw that the way to discover my swadharma would not come from another teacher but instead would come from within myself.
It reminded me to trust in ME .